Thankful

The last year and a half has been a wild ass ride. I have had my ups and my downs, and through it all, there was my husband. I treated him like shit. I treated my family like shit. I ran away from my problems and/or drowned them with booze. I crashed and burned like I never had before. I was talked about, I was railroaded, I was hurt by those that I thought I could trust. Decade long friendships down the shitter because I gave the wrong impression by my actions. I fucked up by running. I know that. But what I don't understand is why people you think are a major part of your life can turn on you so quickly and without warning. On that note... FUCK THEM. What I am going to focus on the is the love, compassion, understanding, respect, support, and patience that my husband has for me. He has been there. Struggled through it all and is there to watch me come out the other side a better person. A better mom. A better wife. Everything that I once was... I see it returning. Sure, its not all by free will... There is the wonderful assistance I get from my doctors and my meds. But whatever is helping, I am thankful. Obviously I couldn't have done it by myself or I would have. I knew all along that I wasn't a bad person. I was just making bad decisions. And in the grand scheme of things, I just didn't realize the negative affect that it was having on my family, my friends, myself. I look back on the last year and half and realize that that wasn't ME. I'm 26 years old and for nearly 15 months, I didn't know who I was. The decisions that were made. The logic. The rationality. The solidarity. The pain. That was not ME. That was not the person that my parents raised me to be. That was not the person that my children need me to be. And most importantly, that isn't the woman that my husband married. Now THAT'S scary. I have the most wonderful person that anyone could ever ask for to spend the rest of my natural life with. And I took that for granted. I took everything for granted. A year and a half. Wasted. A year and a half of my marriage... a farce. A year and a half of my kids' CHILDHOOD. I can't get that time back. But you can bet that I am going to do the best that I can to get better and live EVERY moment to the fullest. Spend time with my kids. Spend time with my husband. He is going to go batty by the end of the week I'm sure because I am psycho calling and texting him just because I miss him. When he is near me, I just want to hold him. I don't care that he needs to shower, cook dinner, clean the floor, take a piss, or whatever. I just want him in my arms and I hate having to let go. I have realized how much I've missed him. Missed his voice, his touch, his scent, his everything. Its like even though he has been there... I didn't actually SEE him. I didn't realize what I had until it was almost too late. Thankfully, I was already in the process of seeking help and trying to get better. It is only recently that I snapped completely out of it. I came back to reality, I came back to my family, and I brought myself back. Physically, I am still somewhat damaged. But emotionally and mentally, I'm getting there. I hate myself for the person that I was. But I love myself for the person that I can be. The person that I was before I stepped off the beaten path. (And then proceeded to roll down a rocky ass hill). I'm sitting here today, a better 'everything' because of the rock that I have in my life. The strength that keeps me going is the realization that I have something more amazing than anything else in the entire world. I have someone there for me that is not going to judge me. Not going to look down on my faults or mistakes. Not going to ever take ME for granted though I have wronged him in the past. I know that he is going to always be there and I never ever want to put that in jeopardy ever again. *sings* I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...... Hehe. Not like he is ever going to read this or anything, but I just want the world to know.... He is mine. I am never going to let go. I won't give up. I won't let anything come between us. He is my everything and sorry ladies, but I won't share. My Christopher is my life. And only with him can I be everything I ever wanted to be. Thanks to him... I am beginning to take this turn. I'm back and I'm not going anywhere any time soon. So... to those that were a staple in my "crazy panda" life... SO LONG SUCKAS! To the people that stood by me, helped me through, without judgment or exile, REALLY was there for me with all the ups and downs, all the crazy antics, and all the stupid decisions... Thank you. From the bottom of my healing heart. I love you. Especially my amazing husband. *Cheers*