As much as I say it....

Its crazy, but I have realized tonight that as much as I say FU to all the haters and shit talkers I have around me, and don't give a shit about people that aren't 100%, I still miss a lot of other people that have either removed themselves or chosen to remain in the shadows. Without calling them out one by one, I just need to vent about a few select people that were/are in my life that I truly miss. So, to those that know me well, it will be easy to decipher who is who, but for others, eh, well, just deal with it. :)

First and foremost, I would like to just make note that the one person that is always there, even if you can't see him, is in fact ALWAYS THERE. If that makes sense at all. Being my best friend since I was 15. Through thick and thin, despite the bullshit that was my past relationship, he is and always will be there. No one will ever know me better and no one will ever even remotely compare to him. We may go long periods without seeing one another, or even talking, but it never fails... Whenever one of us is having a rough time or a bad day, or anything like that... There is a feeling in both of us that we need to contact one another. There is a bond there that can never be broken and I am thankful every day that he came into my life way back when. The life lessons that I have learned from him. The heartache I feel when he keeps it real and sets me straight... mainly because I know damn well that he is right. THAT my friends, is TRUE friendship. People may think its impossible to have such a deep and emotional connection to someone without any sort of feelings developing or any sort of physical relationship, but that is exactly what makes us special. Never once has there ever been those types of feelings by either party. We are a one in a million kinda thing. Its REAL. Brutally honest, painfully real. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you man! Ok... moving on.

There are few other people that have been a part of my life for about 11-12 years. They were brought into my life because of a relationship and they never really left until recently. Well, I would say... more like the last couple of years maybe. It was a running joke that in the breakup of me and my ex, I got custody of the "friends." I was so grateful that we were all adult enough to remain friends and stay true. Over the last few years, it has become apparent that those that I once considered "my boys" are no different than anyone else. They have bought into the lies and rumors and distanced themselves from me and my family and that (as much as I HATE to admit it) hurts me. The most painful part is that my daughter still gets to see them and hang out with them and still talks about them all the time. While being the most painful part, its also the part that I appreciate the most because they have been a part of her life since I was pregnant with her. So, even though I am jealous of her time with them on the weekends with her dad, it makes me happy. I hope some day they can see through the bullshit web of lies that people have created about me (especially because they all fully know the issue with pathological lying that my ex deals with). I miss them so much. I miss going for rides, fight nights, boating, all of it. I miss just texting to say what up and how's life. I miss the dogs. I miss the bond that we all once shared. **side note... Its also very hard to deal with losing a male friend because of a new relationship on his part. Again, people (mainly females) find it impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and that creates a barrier between friends regardless of the length of friendship. Then again, I also now question whether these friendships were legitimate from the beginning. That stems obviously from my trust issues and insecurities, but nevertheless, its still present in my mind. Ugh, painful to think about. On to the next....

There are many times that people become friends with people as children or teenagers and then lose contact only to find each other again later in life. I have a LOT of these types of relationships. Some male, some female, but there are a few that just really irk me. Very few people I consider to be connected to my soul. But everyone has that person or people that speak to their soul right from the beginning. Some sort of unspoken connection or bond that is impenetrable. Until time slips away and somehow ten years later, you find yourself wondering how they are and what they are doing. I was fortunate enough to reconnect with one of these friends in the last few years and although it created a wide variety of issues and sparked uncontrolled rumors and problems, I am so very thankful to have been able to go back. This person was what I considered to be my 'time machine.' Brought me back to a time in my life where there were no responsibilities, no problems, no nothing. Just the free spirited Panda that I used to be. We would talk for hours about life, family, work, society, everything under the sun. But, as fast as he resurfaced, he disappeared. I know of a great deal of personal angst this person is suffering from due to family issues and relationship issues. It hurts to know that he has to deal with these things "alone" but there is not much a person can do when the other person removes themselves from radar. As for the few others that have had this affect on me, well, facebook keeps me well informed. They are doing well as far as I can see and it warms my heart to know that they are exactly the types of wonderful people I always knew they were. Great wives, great moms, etc.  I wish I could be involved in their lives, but that is just not in the cards.

There are also the few people that have no intentionally by any means removed me from their lives, but removed themselves from where we grew up. The one that takes the cake is my friendship that has dwindled to nothing more than facebook "likes" and a random comment here and there. I want to kick myself in the ass for not picking up the phone and calling her. Or hopping a plane and going to see her. I miss her so much and its been so long since she moved away, that it is starting to lose that comforting feeling of normalcy when she returns for visits. At one point, nothing changed when she returned or I went to see her and everything was just as it was when she left. Picked up right where we left off. Now, the more that I think about it, the more I am scared to death that it will be awkward next time I see her. I absolutely despise that feeling. Its heartbreaking after all the shit we have been through together. I miss her terribly and I hope if nothing else, that she finds true happiness where she is and that this distance between us is nothing more than miles.

On to Wifey. I have absolutely NO excuse for not MAKING time to go see or hang out with my Wifey. Especially now that we don't live THAT far from one another. I take our friendship for granted in the fact that I assume she will always be there. I think it stems from the fact that we never really had the same group of friends outside of work and it makes it hard to plan things. NOT AN EXCUSE, I know... but just stating a fact. I know that she knows I love her dearly and that I haven't intentionally withdrawn. We just do this sometimes. :P Love you Wise One! Love, Young Grasshoppa. hehe

Hmmm one more set of peeps and I will wrap this up. To the boys that came into my life again when I began my relationship with my hubby.... I MISS YOU GUYS!!! In the beginning, it was a fun carefree relationship and we all hung out and did things. Now we are all grow'd up and doing our own things, but seriously. CALL US. Just because we are the old married couple and have kids doesn't mean we don't want to spend time with you guys. Come over, have dinner. Play with Satan. I will make every effort to initiate the phone call for the invite, but know that no matter what, you are ALWAYS welcome. Find some time and let me know when we can all get together. Even if its in shifts because I know you guys have some CRAZY schedules. 

There are so many people that come in and out of our lives. Its part of life, I know that, but sometimes I just wanna hug the shit out of the people that I miss. And most of all, I hope they know that I have been and will always be RIGHT HERE. Despite the distance, the issues, the drama, the rumors, the psycho fiancees, etc... I am right here and will always be here to love and support them. To hell and back, I will fight for my friends that hold a special place in my heart. I miss you all so very much and I wish things could just be the ways that they were, but I know that with each day that passes, we are growing as people and bettering ourselves with each breath. The one benefit of the almighty crackbook is that they all know how to get a hold of me. I love them from the bottom of my heart and hope that they find happiness. Well, now that I have been rambling for an hour, I think its time to attempt that whole sleep thing. Night! (PS: forgive me for any grammatical errors involving misplaced words, using the wrong there/their/they're(s) or to/two/too(s), or random punctuation issues. I'm freakin tired since I didn't sleep last night kthxbai!)

It's true, haters keep you famous

I'm really not sure why my family is still such a popular topic of conversation. I'm sorry, train wreck has been cleared and no casualties to report. A few bystanders were removed from the scene, but no substantial loss to anyone. Get the fuck over it and move on people. Nothing to see here.

The thing is... I am the one that brought this on. I know and accept that. I know that my attitude and depression was cause for some people to question my stability and limitations... But that does NOT give anyone the right to pass judgment on me and ASSUME shit. Let alone bring that shit to OTHER people's attention just to make themselves and their bullshit lives look better. Though you people attempted to sabotage my marriage, my family, and my LIFE with your lies and allegations, you DID NOT BREAK ME. And you WON'T EVER BREAK ME. You are nothing but pathetic little fucks with NOTHING better to do with your lives than waste time and energy talking about ME and the rumors that YOU created simply because you are fixated on my life. I don't care what the reason is, its just sad. Some people will do ANYTHING to create drama and can't seem to let go of the high school mentality that defines them. Run your mouth and revel in the attention you get for having "info." It's such a shame that people have to stoop to such levels just for people to like them or to be a part of a certain group of people. Fuck you and your middle school cliques. It is funny to me that you can't actually dig up anything on me so you resort to making up lies just to remain in the spotlight. I have dirt on each and every person that currently enjoys running their mouth about me and my family. And trust me, if I were less of a person, I would put all of ya on blast. But, alas, my mama taught me manners and oh yeah, I'm a big girl now. So I will continue to carry all of your secrets and bullshit inside of me considering I made a promise. Funny how I seem to be the only one upholding the promise of that thing called FRIENDSHIP.  Wanna know the best part? I knew all of you would do this. Which is why I haven't trusted any of you with my innermost feelings and emotions for YEARS. This is part of what brought on your lies and rumors. Just because I wouldn't divulge to you how my depression was really affecting me. Or how my issues were slowly killing me inside. Or offer any explanation to you whatsoever. That apparently gave you all the green light to ASSUME that I must be leading a double life. You had to assume that I wasn't telling you shit because I was hiding something. That I was out being scandalous and deceitful. Funny. Because in reality, I wasn't telling you shit because you fucking suck at life. You wouldn't have kept my normal everyday feelings to yourself. Why tell you anything important?

Point is, I'm done with you and all your bullshit. It doesn't phase me when you continually talk about me and bring up my supposed issues. Apparently the only people that truly know me are the only people that I actually trust to keep close to me. Mainly my husband and my immediate family, and a few select super special people I consider good friends. Aside from them, people are going to believe whatever they want to believe. I'm not going to continue to defend myself and my family because the only people that matter are the ones that know the truth. Last time I checked, I wasn't on drugs, wasn't a whore, wasn't pimpin hoes for cash, I don't torture small animals, I don't eat babies, I don't see purple elephants, I don't have a body part collection hidden between the walls in my house... I'm just me. I have had some tough times in my life, battled some wicked issues, but have come through just fine. There is nothing to hide, nothing to own up to, nothing to say. I'm done. Just want to let everyone know that I just don't give a fuck. People can quit coming to me and telling me that certain people are still running their mouths. They can run them all they want because the people they are telling it to and believe it can fuck off as well. I've written you all off and have not looked back. In case you are wondering, I don't miss any of you and I'm quite happy about that. :) It's quite the weight off my shoulders. So... moving on. To those that are a part of my life, I love and appreciate you all more than anything and will continue show that love and appreciation until I die. Everyone else that has wronged me... Have a fantastically pathetic hatred filled downward spiral of a life. Don't let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out. K? Oooohkaybuh.

Long week

This has been the longest week ever. Holidays, PTO dinners, flat tires, super awesomeness. I am ready for it to be over but I have a full day of house cleaning and dealing with Satan planned for tomorrow. Then I get to start all over Monday morning. I guess the highlight of the week is getting my checking account frozen because of a BANK fuck up. That's always cool. Especially when it happens at the end of the week and its the BRANCH that did it, so nothing can be fixed until Monday. Yay for USBank completely separating corporate from the individual branches. Anything that the branch does cannot be overridden by corporate for any reason. WTF. Talk about obnoxious. So now, I have no money until Monday. Super awesome. Glad I have gas in my car. Hmmm what else.... Not much new except my back pain is being super awesome. And I am not sleeping well so I am super effing tired all day everyday. Super duper awesome. Oh! And I got the results of my MMPI... Inconclusive. AKA, I'm certifiably batshit crazy. Shrink said that if he didn't know me, he would assume that the person that took that test was completely psychotic and would wonder how that person functions on a daily basis. Why? Because I answered the questions quite literally and that wasn't the best idea. Albeit I don't see purple elephants or anything... but the outcome was completely hilarious. My shrink and I had a grand ol' laugh about it. Basically I am just completely overstressed and not able to cope. Good times. Dontcha just love how I share this with the world? Haha. We always say that I am crazy... but at least its not CRAZY crazy and I'm not running around stabbing people with forks. Ok, now for the positive things. Aside from being super sleepy and crying at commercials and country songs, I am feeling super good lately. Mentally speaking. My fuse is longer and my bomb is smaller. That was the ultimate goal. I'm getting along better with the kids and able to remain *mostly* calm when the kids are running a muck. (a muck a muck a muck... now I wanna watch Hocus Pocus). Work is going really well, we are getting a bunch of prepays in so I have a lot of payments to process. Which for those that aren't familiar with what I do... just means I ACTUALLY have work to do and I'm not bored out of my mind all day everyday. I'm looking forward to finally getting my state tax refund so that I can take care of some shit that is due like... next week. Um... Yeah, life is pretty boring at the moment. Not as much fun when I have my head on straight and I am not tweaking about every little thing.  I am super happy that I got to see some good friends that I haven't seen in awhile on St. Patty's. That was pretty sweet. I really missed them! I'm feeling super nostalgic lately and I am really missing some people that have removed themselves from my life because of bullshit shit talking and rumors. That kinds sucks. I love how people believe psycho people's bullshit lies simply because they don't have the balls to ask me personally. Oh well, its only like 4 or 5 12 year relationships down the tubes. NBD. Not gonna lie though, it does hurt and these are people that I considered family. Through thick and thin. But what can you do when they don't wanna listen and the person spreading all the lies and rumors is pretty much a staple in their every day lives. Ugh. Puke. I have also been dreaming of childhood lately... And waking up feeling the need to apologize to my childhood friends for being such a controlling bitch. I was the only girl on the block and pretty much made the rules and told everyone what to do. Kinda wanna call up Brian and Drew and hell, even Pat and be like: ps... sorry about our childhoods... I was kind of a major brat. Hahaha. (Caitlin, if you happen to read this since you follow, just pass that along to Drew hahaha) Either way, I'm just happy that the super awful dreams have ceased again. I'm not waking up in tears and feeling like beating people and breaking stuff. Hehe that's always a plus. Now that I have bored you all to tears, I should probably just cut this off here and go to bed. Considering I raced home to spend time with the hubby and he is asleep on the couch downstairs because his stomach hurt. Ugh.

Night kids!

Done being a pouty panda

I ACTUALLY slept last night. Woke up a few times in an odd state of semi-consciousness, but overall, I slept like a damn rock. Sorry to the hubs for not waking when he was uhhh feeling frisky, but I was out COLD. Chase actually slept all night and it was WONDERFUL. Waking up and not seeing my house in shambles at 2am is super awesome. With that good sleep, came interesting and very random all-nighter kind of dreams that were triggered by the tsunami (from what I can figure out, revolved around the twin cities flooding and people getting across the main rivers to higher ground before the flood occurred). Either way, I was happy that the insecurities and fears that I manage to contain until sleepy time didn't burden my dreams last night. I woke up in a good mood. I have overall remained in a good mood. A few things that DID get to me momentarily today were few and far between. Like hearing the most awful sound coming from one of the cats and go to find Chase carrying/swinging Tipsy by her tail. He got a nice 30 minute time out in his bed for that one. Another bastard of annoyance is not being able to find ANY of the lint rollers to clean the kitty hair off my couch. But whatever. I'm still sitting on it, so I guess its not bugging me TOO badly. Moving on...

After getting a GOOD night of sleep, I one, don't feel like napping which is odd, but two, want to plan of a few goals to debut a new and improved Panda here soon. I am working on figuring out how to process and handle emotions now that I actually HAVE them again. Easier said than done, let me tell ya. Its hard to explain but the best way that I can put it is that when I was deep into my most recent depression spell, I kind of forgot how to FEEL. Lost all emotion and was just completely unaffected by anything. Family, friends, myself, my job... just felt completely disconnected and didn't care. Now that I am getting back to being ME, I am starting to realize all the emotion that I have and a lot of it I forgot how to reign in and control. I'm working on it though. Thankfully, I have a supportive husband that is going to do his best to ignore my irrationalities, and strengthen my self esteem and self worth. As I told him yesterday via text, I feel like I am 14 years old again. Trying to convince myself that I am normal, that I am pretty, that I am worthy of someones time, effort, and affection. Its hard, but I have every intention of getting through it all with my head held high while waving at the haters. :P Had to throw that in there. Simply because even with all this, I still have people patiently waiting on the sidelines to watch me fail. Guess what fuckers... ain't happenin'. Move along now. :)

Ok, so another part of this obscenely long blog is addressing my need for change. I am mostly a creature of habit, but there a few times a year that I suddenly feel like nothing is how I want it to be and things get rearranged. It can be anything. Something as minimal and simple as changing my hair, to rearranging and redecorating an entire room, etc. Right now, I am totally struggling with this seemingly perpetual winter and its driving me fucking batty. I feel like a cabin fevered out child. I just wanna be lying outside on a lawn chair in sunlight that warms my face and gives me a natural golden glow. Drinking fruity summery drinks that I make with the kids, running around the yard, ugh! I hate snow, I hate winter, and in my best David After Dentist voice, I say: Is this going to be forevvvvvver? I'M DONE DAMMIT! Over the next few weeks in anticipation of the Spring that is hiding just around the damn corner, I am gonna shake it up a bit. The plans are as follows: Lose a few inches. Not snow, on my belly. Don't plan on losing any "ellbees" but at least a few inches. Time to get that mostly flat tummy back. Along with that, I am gonna get the hairs cut. Get a few layers and throw some highlights up in there. I hit the tanning bed this week mainly because my eczema was kicking my ass, but also because I need a little color and a little vitamin D. Yeeeeeah bitches! I'm starting a new rule that if its not Monday and I'm not sick as hell, there WILL be makeup on my face, hair done, and a decent outfit on. No more comfy pants and hoodies. No matter what any girl tells you, comfort does NOT equal confidence and that is no bueno. I gotta get myself back and these are just a few things that I think may help. Just happens to also be that time during the year where e'rything needs to be rearranged and I get squirrely. Hahaha. Ok. I'll shut up now. Oh, one more thing. How bout that lockout... Shitty. Wish the future wasn't so up in the air for my Vikings. SKOL FOR LIFE BITCHES. That is all. :)

And it returns to rear its ugly head

Last night I had one of the worst dreams.... Only because it was extremely cryptic and left me struggling to find myself and my trust this morning. I hate this! I just want them to go away. It is so much easier to pretend nothing is wrong when there isn't a subconscious reminder that returns every other night. Even if what I am dreading and feeling is not fictional irrational thought, I brought it on myself and should have known better than to express myself and let the 2001-2002 Panda come through. I'm the conductor of this runaway train and I'm not sure I can find the brakes in time. If its not already too late. That certainly isn't the scent of my dryer sheets and that certainly was a reaction that was all too familiar. I don't think I can put myself through that again. My imagination is running wild and it is a creepily unnerving when each little tidbit becomes reality one by one. Fuck you subconscious. Fuck you. Where's the damn off switch.

What to do what to do....

So even though it has been at the top of my mind for some time, it has finally become apparent that Chase's behavior is affecting his time at daycare as well. I struggle with this daily because I am so fearful that not only am I going to be continually embarrassed by his violence and tantrums, but also because he can hurt someone and apparently IS hurting kids at daycare. The issue at hand is simple really... My child is hyperactive and nobody is willing to work with me to find out why or what can be done to prevent his abusive and embarrassing behavior. I have asked his doctor about it, brought it up family and friends, and everyone seems to come to the same conclusion; he has ADHD. Ok... that very well could be, but at 3 1/2 nobody is going to test him or even begin to suggest that as far as any medical personnel is concerned. Its time to take some drastic measures to try to get this under control before he is kicked out of daycare and forever branded as the bad kid. Granted, we need to stop calling him Satan considering he is probably already developing a complex... but seriously. It was all in good fun in the beginning. Along with the running joke beginning with his 3rd birthday in which we laugh about him turning 3 begins the 2 year ritalin countdown. Hmmmm..... Not so funny in hindsight. The worst part about the whole thing is that we live in a world that is technology driven and you can solve anything and everything with a quick Google search. Works great for everything else under the sun except this. Every site is contradicting of the last. Cut out sugars and starches, cut out dairy and gluten-filled products, then the next article says to feed him caffeine and coat everything in cheese sauce and make meal time fun. Wait what?! First you say no sugar then you say pump him full of caffeine? I get that caffeine is a stimulant and a certain amount of it has the same affect as a small dose of ritalin, but isn't sugar a stimulant as well? Isn't part of this whole diet thing cutting out the stimulants? Ugh. The whole thing is just one giant contradiction. If he is simply hyperactive, then anything that we do ADHD treatment related will be counterproductive. I'm all for homeopathic remedies and whatnot as well, but seriously... how am I supposed to get my 3 year old to take a bunch of nasty vitamin pills? Come on. As for right now, I know that I am going to significantly decrease the amount of sugar that kid is consuming on a daily basis. No more sugary cereals, fruit snacks, juice boxes, etc. I am going to use his love of vegetables (raw and cooked) to my advantage... The big question is... Who is going to pay for that grocery bill? Ugh. I am open to suggestions, so feel free to comment. Grrrr.... I never had this problem with Kylie. This is all so new to me. I feel like a new mom and its driving me batty! I've been in this biz for 9 years dammit!

My insanely powerful psyche

Its amazing to me that I have continually been so entranced and taken aback by my dreams since I was a child. I was telling Tanya this morning that I couldn't count on all my friends fingers and toes how many times I have had a premonition dream. Dreams that actually became reality. I've really never made a big deal out of it because it was something that was just mine. Didn't have to share with anyone. Also, didn't want to sound like a lunatic fretting over the sky falling or something. Its not that I dream about world issues or upcoming events though either... Its more about the little things. Small things that manage to creep into my every day life. I dream that I forget important things at home and therefore remember the items the next day when they are needed because I am fully aware of the annoyance or irritation that the dream allowed me to feel. I also have dreams that something is going to happen in my near future. Its not always so clear, but I fully anticipated the betrayal of a good friend based on a dream I had shortly before. In this dream, it was nothing like what actually happened, but I was in a room full of people and they were casting stones at me. The person that later betrayed me stood in front of me blocking the stones from everyone else while throwing her own at my chest. I turned and walked away leaving her and the crowd behind me. As I closed the door to that room, I woke up. Now most people would think that was just a random dream that meant nothing. Whereas I take it to a whole different level. I have been interpreting my own dreams since childhood. I used to keep dream journals, but it became too much work to write in detail what happened being that it was still so fresh in my mind that it felt like more of a movie than a dream. Pages upon pages depicting just one dream. This particular dream was easily interpreted simply because the feelings were so strong within the dream. The feeling that I had in that dream was unequivocally betrayal. Though she was blocking the pain and hurt from others, she was inflicting her own pain and hurt upon me. Walking away from that situation both in my dream and in reality was the easiest thing I've ever done. Strangely enough, even after so long, the friendship means nothing now reflecting on the stones that were cast by her for years. The point of bringing that up was just to show that I indeed have crazy and most of the time CORRECT interpretations of my dreams. That said, I have the need to express how my dreams have been making me feel as of lately. Its hard to describe and hard to even put into words simply because of the emotional crap that it drudges up. It creates a ball in the back of my throat, tears to well up in my eyes, a painful knot of nervousness in my stomach, and a pounding in my head. For the last month, I have been having these recurring dreams that the person I love is trying in every way possible to recreate every hurtful moment I ever caused him and turn it around on me. In some ways it feels like retaliation, in others it feels like just pure intentional hurt. There is a specific person involved in all of this that is what brings the pain to reality. Because in the dreams, the "the person that I love" is simply an illusion or shadow. Yet the person involved and causing the problems is clear as day. The dreams shift from simple manipulation of time and whereabouts, to all out secrecy and lies. Hidden communications and expressions of interest, all leading up to the most recent of dreams that include the crossing of the one boundary that I will not tolerate. Followed by the complete destruction of the life that I know now. The hardest part of these dreams is that they are so incredibly real. So familiar. That would be because this would be round 2 for me. This all HAS happened before and I have now realized that the person causing the drama in my dream world has the same potential of doing so in my reality. The same traits as the person from the past, the same actions, same personality, same everything. Gives me the same gut wrenching feeling. The difference is that I am no longer a "lovestruck naive teenager" protecting what I thought was mine. I am a grown ass woman with a family and what is MINE, I have EARNED. I am not ever going to let someone with clear potential to ruin my life get anywhere NEAR my life. I think that is why last night, the dreams faded and I can actually recall dreaming of something different. Which hasn't happened in the last 30 or so days. Ok... so the remedy is clear. Simply remove this person from my life. Which would be fine... Except she isn't someone that I can get rid of. Being that she isn't MY friend to start with. How do you tell someone to remove someone from their life because you have bad dreams? It isn't so easy. Plus, doing so would open the door to the manipulation of time and whereabouts. Why initiate the progression of dream to reality? What's up rock... meet hard place. Don't mind me, I'll just chill here right in the middle.

Thankful

The last year and a half has been a wild ass ride. I have had my ups and my downs, and through it all, there was my husband. I treated him like shit. I treated my family like shit. I ran away from my problems and/or drowned them with booze. I crashed and burned like I never had before. I was talked about, I was railroaded, I was hurt by those that I thought I could trust. Decade long friendships down the shitter because I gave the wrong impression by my actions. I fucked up by running. I know that. But what I don't understand is why people you think are a major part of your life can turn on you so quickly and without warning. On that note... FUCK THEM. What I am going to focus on the is the love, compassion, understanding, respect, support, and patience that my husband has for me. He has been there. Struggled through it all and is there to watch me come out the other side a better person. A better mom. A better wife. Everything that I once was... I see it returning. Sure, its not all by free will... There is the wonderful assistance I get from my doctors and my meds. But whatever is helping, I am thankful. Obviously I couldn't have done it by myself or I would have. I knew all along that I wasn't a bad person. I was just making bad decisions. And in the grand scheme of things, I just didn't realize the negative affect that it was having on my family, my friends, myself. I look back on the last year and half and realize that that wasn't ME. I'm 26 years old and for nearly 15 months, I didn't know who I was. The decisions that were made. The logic. The rationality. The solidarity. The pain. That was not ME. That was not the person that my parents raised me to be. That was not the person that my children need me to be. And most importantly, that isn't the woman that my husband married. Now THAT'S scary. I have the most wonderful person that anyone could ever ask for to spend the rest of my natural life with. And I took that for granted. I took everything for granted. A year and a half. Wasted. A year and a half of my marriage... a farce. A year and a half of my kids' CHILDHOOD. I can't get that time back. But you can bet that I am going to do the best that I can to get better and live EVERY moment to the fullest. Spend time with my kids. Spend time with my husband. He is going to go batty by the end of the week I'm sure because I am psycho calling and texting him just because I miss him. When he is near me, I just want to hold him. I don't care that he needs to shower, cook dinner, clean the floor, take a piss, or whatever. I just want him in my arms and I hate having to let go. I have realized how much I've missed him. Missed his voice, his touch, his scent, his everything. Its like even though he has been there... I didn't actually SEE him. I didn't realize what I had until it was almost too late. Thankfully, I was already in the process of seeking help and trying to get better. It is only recently that I snapped completely out of it. I came back to reality, I came back to my family, and I brought myself back. Physically, I am still somewhat damaged. But emotionally and mentally, I'm getting there. I hate myself for the person that I was. But I love myself for the person that I can be. The person that I was before I stepped off the beaten path. (And then proceeded to roll down a rocky ass hill). I'm sitting here today, a better 'everything' because of the rock that I have in my life. The strength that keeps me going is the realization that I have something more amazing than anything else in the entire world. I have someone there for me that is not going to judge me. Not going to look down on my faults or mistakes. Not going to ever take ME for granted though I have wronged him in the past. I know that he is going to always be there and I never ever want to put that in jeopardy ever again. *sings* I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...... Hehe. Not like he is ever going to read this or anything, but I just want the world to know.... He is mine. I am never going to let go. I won't give up. I won't let anything come between us. He is my everything and sorry ladies, but I won't share. My Christopher is my life. And only with him can I be everything I ever wanted to be. Thanks to him... I am beginning to take this turn. I'm back and I'm not going anywhere any time soon. So... to those that were a staple in my "crazy panda" life... SO LONG SUCKAS! To the people that stood by me, helped me through, without judgment or exile, REALLY was there for me with all the ups and downs, all the crazy antics, and all the stupid decisions... Thank you. From the bottom of my healing heart. I love you. Especially my amazing husband. *Cheers*