I ACTUALLY slept last night. Woke up a few times in an odd state of semi-consciousness, but overall, I slept like a damn rock. Sorry to the hubs for not waking when he was uhhh feeling frisky, but I was out COLD. Chase actually slept all night and it was WONDERFUL. Waking up and not seeing my house in shambles at 2am is super awesome. With that good sleep, came interesting and very random all-nighter kind of dreams that were triggered by the tsunami (from what I can figure out, revolved around the twin cities flooding and people getting across the main rivers to higher ground before the flood occurred). Either way, I was happy that the insecurities and fears that I manage to contain until sleepy time didn't burden my dreams last night. I woke up in a good mood. I have overall remained in a good mood. A few things that DID get to me momentarily today were few and far between. Like hearing the most awful sound coming from one of the cats and go to find Chase carrying/swinging Tipsy by her tail. He got a nice 30 minute time out in his bed for that one. Another bastard of annoyance is not being able to find ANY of the lint rollers to clean the kitty hair off my couch. But whatever. I'm still sitting on it, so I guess its not bugging me TOO badly. Moving on...
After getting a GOOD night of sleep, I one, don't feel like napping which is odd, but two, want to plan of a few goals to debut a new and improved Panda here soon. I am working on figuring out how to process and handle emotions now that I actually HAVE them again. Easier said than done, let me tell ya. Its hard to explain but the best way that I can put it is that when I was deep into my most recent depression spell, I kind of forgot how to FEEL. Lost all emotion and was just completely unaffected by anything. Family, friends, myself, my job... just felt completely disconnected and didn't care. Now that I am getting back to being ME, I am starting to realize all the emotion that I have and a lot of it I forgot how to reign in and control. I'm working on it though. Thankfully, I have a supportive husband that is going to do his best to ignore my irrationalities, and strengthen my self esteem and self worth. As I told him yesterday via text, I feel like I am 14 years old again. Trying to convince myself that I am normal, that I am pretty, that I am worthy of someones time, effort, and affection. Its hard, but I have every intention of getting through it all with my head held high while waving at the haters. :P Had to throw that in there. Simply because even with all this, I still have people patiently waiting on the sidelines to watch me fail. Guess what fuckers... ain't happenin'. Move along now. :)
Ok, so another part of this obscenely long blog is addressing my need for change. I am mostly a creature of habit, but there a few times a year that I suddenly feel like nothing is how I want it to be and things get rearranged. It can be anything. Something as minimal and simple as changing my hair, to rearranging and redecorating an entire room, etc. Right now, I am totally struggling with this seemingly perpetual winter and its driving me fucking batty. I feel like a cabin fevered out child. I just wanna be lying outside on a lawn chair in sunlight that warms my face and gives me a natural golden glow. Drinking fruity summery drinks that I make with the kids, running around the yard, ugh! I hate snow, I hate winter, and in my best David After Dentist voice, I say: Is this going to be forevvvvvver? I'M DONE DAMMIT! Over the next few weeks in anticipation of the Spring that is hiding just around the damn corner, I am gonna shake it up a bit. The plans are as follows: Lose a few inches. Not snow, on my belly. Don't plan on losing any "ellbees" but at least a few inches. Time to get that mostly flat tummy back. Along with that, I am gonna get the hairs cut. Get a few layers and throw some highlights up in there. I hit the tanning bed this week mainly because my eczema was kicking my ass, but also because I need a little color and a little vitamin D. Yeeeeeah bitches! I'm starting a new rule that if its not Monday and I'm not sick as hell, there WILL be makeup on my face, hair done, and a decent outfit on. No more comfy pants and hoodies. No matter what any girl tells you, comfort does NOT equal confidence and that is no bueno. I gotta get myself back and these are just a few things that I think may help. Just happens to also be that time during the year where e'rything needs to be rearranged and I get squirrely. Hahaha. Ok. I'll shut up now. Oh, one more thing. How bout that lockout... Shitty. Wish the future wasn't so up in the air for my Vikings. SKOL FOR LIFE BITCHES. That is all. :)
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