Sunday, May 29, 2011

So so so freakin busy....

So... haven't written in a REALLY long time. Though I have had a super tough time lately, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write. I hate that I don't have time to breathe, but at the same time, I'm loving the commissions from working 12 hour days. As a matter of fact, I really should be WORKING right now, but I am sure that this is quite necessary at this point.

Alright... so recap of the last few weeks:

I have been kind of in the shitter for a few weeks. Completely down and out. No signs of light peeking in from any direction. The hole has been nearly unbearable. Which made me question all of the work I have put in as far as therapy and medications go. I did a little research on the medication that I am on and came to find out the that meds I am on actually don't treat my depression at all. They are simply mood stabilizers for my type II bipolar. Good right? Ok... so I address this issue with my doc and she decides that basically, my bipolar and my depression are battling for control and I am just kinda stuck in the middle. Super awesome. So she puts me on Lexapro. Well, day one was awesome. Couldn't keep anything down and spent the afternoon praying to the porcelain gods. Cool. Ok... so maybe it was just a bit of a shock to my body... lets try this again shall we? Day two... Throws me into a manic state. Super hyper, bouncing off the walls, can't sit still, talking a mile a minute. So not cool. Never felt that way before... So I frantically call the doc. Totally nonchalant about the whole thing, she tells me not to take that anymore and she will just up the dosage of my Lamictil. Which still by the way, does not treat depression in any way shape or form. So yes, my mood swings are mostly under control.... but as for the rest of my issues... still roaring strong. I have tried desperately to consciously realize the self destructive nature of my emotional instability and the unintended affect that it has on my friends and family. But I must say... its one of the hardest things I think I have ever dealt with. Although I am happy to have some answers as to why I feel/act the way that I do, I am still not fully engaged and behind the treatment plan that is set for me. I really don't think it is what I need to get better. Not only that, therapy doesn't really help anything. The suggestions and goals that the shrink has for me are good, and appreciated.. for face value and nothing more. How am I supposed to actively enforce these suggestions and achieve these goals if I don't have any desire to follow through? I almost instantly revert back to the same reactions, same thought processes, and same anger. I guess I am just at a loss. The meds help one aspect, but not the other. Which makes me stuck in the middle wondering: what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why do I suck so much? When will this get better? When will I start to be myself again? When will I find pleasure and appreciation in the things that I once loved? I am sick of being completely uninterested in the things that used to bring me such joy. I am in such a passive state at the moment. Nothing seems to matter and I feel like a burden on everyone. I feel although everyone in my life is completely undeserving of this lethargic, pathetic, woe is me Panda... I can't seem to change it or even justify it. Its almost like I am physically in a deep hole. And instead of frantically trying to claw my way out like I normally would, I am just standing at the bottom going: meh. Whatevs. If they want me, they pull me out. And when no one does, I become irrationally angry with myself because I deserve to rot down there after being the burden of all burdens. A sense of worthlessness that should never be felt by anyone. Yet its ok that I feel that way. Oh what a hot mess I am. At least I can acknowledge that part. I want so badly to be better but there apparently is no easy button for these types of things. Damn you Staples... you need to branch out to psychiatric practices. That would be SUPER awesome. Just sayin. Ya know... part of being bipolar is you have super high highs and super low lows. The meds are supposed to keep that balanced and keep you cruising along at an appropriate altitude. This makes me question where my scale is even at here. Are my lows just THAT frickin' low? Are my highs really not that high? So... does this mean that my median level is just blah? I wish I could just constantly be in a state of happiness. A super high high would be great right now. Just keep me there. Set the cruise control and let me fly. Back to loving life and everyone in it. Loving myself. Is that possible? Man, they need to figure how to effectively treat this shit before I completely lose my damn mind. Oh, and here's my Panda PSA for the day: Drugs are bad. Mmmkay? This is the reason for all of this by the way. I completely EFFED my mind and my serotonin and dopamine levels by excessive use of MDMA and whatever narcotics it was cut with during my teen years (pre-Kylie). Eff you ecstasy. Eff you.

So here are my tentative goals for the near future. Along with finding myself and an appropriate level of consciousness, I need to find a way to balance the hurt and anguish that I feel inside, with the need for acceptance and love. I typically avoid this in fear of rejection and disconcerting consequences. By putting on my mask, despite the fact that most can see through it anyway, I feel some sense of normalcy and albeit false, an awkward sense of pride. Like, "don't worry folks, I GOT this..." which I clearly don't. But who needs to know? Well, the answer to that is EVERYBODY. The first step to finding a healthy road to "recovery" is the acceptance of my issues and the support of those around me. In order for someone to completely support another, they need to be fully aware. How can they be fully aware if I consistently attempt to mask the situation and the emotional damage I am experiencing?

Ugh... I guess it could be worse... I could be hearing voices and seeing purple elephants in the corner...

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