As much as I say it....

Its crazy, but I have realized tonight that as much as I say FU to all the haters and shit talkers I have around me, and don't give a shit about people that aren't 100%, I still miss a lot of other people that have either removed themselves or chosen to remain in the shadows. Without calling them out one by one, I just need to vent about a few select people that were/are in my life that I truly miss. So, to those that know me well, it will be easy to decipher who is who, but for others, eh, well, just deal with it. :)

First and foremost, I would like to just make note that the one person that is always there, even if you can't see him, is in fact ALWAYS THERE. If that makes sense at all. Being my best friend since I was 15. Through thick and thin, despite the bullshit that was my past relationship, he is and always will be there. No one will ever know me better and no one will ever even remotely compare to him. We may go long periods without seeing one another, or even talking, but it never fails... Whenever one of us is having a rough time or a bad day, or anything like that... There is a feeling in both of us that we need to contact one another. There is a bond there that can never be broken and I am thankful every day that he came into my life way back when. The life lessons that I have learned from him. The heartache I feel when he keeps it real and sets me straight... mainly because I know damn well that he is right. THAT my friends, is TRUE friendship. People may think its impossible to have such a deep and emotional connection to someone without any sort of feelings developing or any sort of physical relationship, but that is exactly what makes us special. Never once has there ever been those types of feelings by either party. We are a one in a million kinda thing. Its REAL. Brutally honest, painfully real. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you man! Ok... moving on.

There are few other people that have been a part of my life for about 11-12 years. They were brought into my life because of a relationship and they never really left until recently. Well, I would say... more like the last couple of years maybe. It was a running joke that in the breakup of me and my ex, I got custody of the "friends." I was so grateful that we were all adult enough to remain friends and stay true. Over the last few years, it has become apparent that those that I once considered "my boys" are no different than anyone else. They have bought into the lies and rumors and distanced themselves from me and my family and that (as much as I HATE to admit it) hurts me. The most painful part is that my daughter still gets to see them and hang out with them and still talks about them all the time. While being the most painful part, its also the part that I appreciate the most because they have been a part of her life since I was pregnant with her. So, even though I am jealous of her time with them on the weekends with her dad, it makes me happy. I hope some day they can see through the bullshit web of lies that people have created about me (especially because they all fully know the issue with pathological lying that my ex deals with). I miss them so much. I miss going for rides, fight nights, boating, all of it. I miss just texting to say what up and how's life. I miss the dogs. I miss the bond that we all once shared. **side note... Its also very hard to deal with losing a male friend because of a new relationship on his part. Again, people (mainly females) find it impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and that creates a barrier between friends regardless of the length of friendship. Then again, I also now question whether these friendships were legitimate from the beginning. That stems obviously from my trust issues and insecurities, but nevertheless, its still present in my mind. Ugh, painful to think about. On to the next....

There are many times that people become friends with people as children or teenagers and then lose contact only to find each other again later in life. I have a LOT of these types of relationships. Some male, some female, but there are a few that just really irk me. Very few people I consider to be connected to my soul. But everyone has that person or people that speak to their soul right from the beginning. Some sort of unspoken connection or bond that is impenetrable. Until time slips away and somehow ten years later, you find yourself wondering how they are and what they are doing. I was fortunate enough to reconnect with one of these friends in the last few years and although it created a wide variety of issues and sparked uncontrolled rumors and problems, I am so very thankful to have been able to go back. This person was what I considered to be my 'time machine.' Brought me back to a time in my life where there were no responsibilities, no problems, no nothing. Just the free spirited Panda that I used to be. We would talk for hours about life, family, work, society, everything under the sun. But, as fast as he resurfaced, he disappeared. I know of a great deal of personal angst this person is suffering from due to family issues and relationship issues. It hurts to know that he has to deal with these things "alone" but there is not much a person can do when the other person removes themselves from radar. As for the few others that have had this affect on me, well, facebook keeps me well informed. They are doing well as far as I can see and it warms my heart to know that they are exactly the types of wonderful people I always knew they were. Great wives, great moms, etc.  I wish I could be involved in their lives, but that is just not in the cards.

There are also the few people that have no intentionally by any means removed me from their lives, but removed themselves from where we grew up. The one that takes the cake is my friendship that has dwindled to nothing more than facebook "likes" and a random comment here and there. I want to kick myself in the ass for not picking up the phone and calling her. Or hopping a plane and going to see her. I miss her so much and its been so long since she moved away, that it is starting to lose that comforting feeling of normalcy when she returns for visits. At one point, nothing changed when she returned or I went to see her and everything was just as it was when she left. Picked up right where we left off. Now, the more that I think about it, the more I am scared to death that it will be awkward next time I see her. I absolutely despise that feeling. Its heartbreaking after all the shit we have been through together. I miss her terribly and I hope if nothing else, that she finds true happiness where she is and that this distance between us is nothing more than miles.

On to Wifey. I have absolutely NO excuse for not MAKING time to go see or hang out with my Wifey. Especially now that we don't live THAT far from one another. I take our friendship for granted in the fact that I assume she will always be there. I think it stems from the fact that we never really had the same group of friends outside of work and it makes it hard to plan things. NOT AN EXCUSE, I know... but just stating a fact. I know that she knows I love her dearly and that I haven't intentionally withdrawn. We just do this sometimes. :P Love you Wise One! Love, Young Grasshoppa. hehe

Hmmm one more set of peeps and I will wrap this up. To the boys that came into my life again when I began my relationship with my hubby.... I MISS YOU GUYS!!! In the beginning, it was a fun carefree relationship and we all hung out and did things. Now we are all grow'd up and doing our own things, but seriously. CALL US. Just because we are the old married couple and have kids doesn't mean we don't want to spend time with you guys. Come over, have dinner. Play with Satan. I will make every effort to initiate the phone call for the invite, but know that no matter what, you are ALWAYS welcome. Find some time and let me know when we can all get together. Even if its in shifts because I know you guys have some CRAZY schedules. 

There are so many people that come in and out of our lives. Its part of life, I know that, but sometimes I just wanna hug the shit out of the people that I miss. And most of all, I hope they know that I have been and will always be RIGHT HERE. Despite the distance, the issues, the drama, the rumors, the psycho fiancees, etc... I am right here and will always be here to love and support them. To hell and back, I will fight for my friends that hold a special place in my heart. I miss you all so very much and I wish things could just be the ways that they were, but I know that with each day that passes, we are growing as people and bettering ourselves with each breath. The one benefit of the almighty crackbook is that they all know how to get a hold of me. I love them from the bottom of my heart and hope that they find happiness. Well, now that I have been rambling for an hour, I think its time to attempt that whole sleep thing. Night! (PS: forgive me for any grammatical errors involving misplaced words, using the wrong there/their/they're(s) or to/two/too(s), or random punctuation issues. I'm freakin tired since I didn't sleep last night kthxbai!)