Ooooh HAI!

Ooooh HAI there peoples! Just realized its been almost a year since I last blogged... I don't even know what my crazy pregnant ass even wrote about last year. Probably being crazy and pregnant... that would be my guess. Not so pregnant anymore, but more crazy! Baby number three brought me to whole new level of cray cray. No joke. I rarely sleep, my boobs belong to a 9 month old, and I would give my left arm for a vacation. By myself. To an undisclosed location. With nothing but a blanket, a pillow, and a fucking book. That is IT. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my kids. Love being a mom. But DAMN dude... I barely have time to breathe. I have four people to get ready in the morning, dump the kids off at daycare, and head to work to parent those shitheads for a few hours. Leave there, race to get the kids from daycare, fight traffic all the way home, find something to feed them, do homework, take showers, get tucked in, and try to have adult time until I tip over on the couch. Which is right about the time that the baby gets up. I swear he hears my head hit the pillow... Twerp. Anyhoo... updates. Ready go.

Ky started 5th grade. That makes me want to cry. She is growing up and it sucks. She starts band/orchestra this week. Gets to find out what instrument I have to rob a bank to afford to buy. WOOT! And then I get to hear her practice. Every day. For an hour. Yeah. Super fucking awesome. 

Chase started Kindergarten. That makes me want to cry. He is growing up and it sucks. He didn't even care about starting school. I had to distract myself when the bus came so I didn't completely lose my shit... and he couldn't have possibly cared less. Turd. 

Brennen is a giganto 9 month old. Well, he'll be 9 months in 4 days. He is 24 freakin' lbs. TWENTY FOUR. He is the size of a damn 18 month old. Monster baby. But he is mostly healthy. Gets a shit ton of illnesses from daycare because there are like 48 kids under 5 that go there. but whatever. Build that immune system, kid. He sleeps through the night like a champ. For like... solid hour or two. WOOHOO! Buttnugget. Nah, he does sleep pretty good for the first half of the night. Then he wakes up and remembers that he is a fatty and needs to eat every 47 seconds and thinks he's hungry. Yay nursing. 

So, speaking of nursing... this is the first one of the three that is COMPLETELY exclusively breastfed. No formula EVER. Not once. Never needed to supplement for weight gain, nothing. I nurse somewhat on demand at home and pump at work. I've weened myself down from pumping nearly 40oz a day on top of feeding him several times, to pumping around 12-20oz and feeding him at night. When I'm out in public with him on the weekends, I bring milk and a bottle just to make things a little easier. When he was younger, it was easier just to shove him under my shirt and let him go to town. Now its a little different. He is BIG. And distracted easily. He barely stays attached for a full minute before something else catches his attention. Hard to keep my nips covered when he is pulling that shit. :P Hey look! BOOBS! I like boobs. I like MY boobs. Too bad they'll be disappearing soon. Damn nursing boobies. I wish they could stay forever. But I am NOT about to spend an hour a day draining these bad boys just so I can fit the nice bras. 

ADD says its time to move on. Next topic. Ummmm... I'm hungry. I need to eat. We'll continue this chat later. But at least you know I'm not dead. Yet. 

Maturity does NOT come with age....

Despite the lessons in life that I have received by being in that treacherous, abusive, and mind-numbing relationship as a young adult, I still wish to this day that he would have walked away when I said that I was pregnant. I resent him for staying. I resent him for all of the times that he hurt me. Both physically and emotionally. But most of all, I hate that HE still has the upper hand in one of the most important relationships I have. He continues to poison my relationship with my daughter. Day in and day out, his manipulations and childish bullshit behavior hinders my chance at ever earning her respect. It is utterly heartbreaking to me that she can take his words as truth without ever giving it a thought. Without ever asking ME. Everything to her is just so simple. Daddy’s right about everything because he loves me. He does fun stuff. He gives me whatever the hell I want. UGH! I’m so incredibly sick over it. 

What makes that man tick? What changed? For years after I left him… we were FRIENDS. Not just amicable, but actually FRIENDS. He would call me for advice or to vent about his fiancé. We would parent as a TEAM. Everything was done TOGETHER. And then suddenly, I was the wicked witch. I was the hated “baby mama.” Suddenly, we were no longer friends. Suddenly, I had it out for him and was apparently after his money? WTF? Ummmm…. No… last time I checked, I was NOT a gold diggin’ baby mama. I never have been and never will be. Even at my most vengeful state, I would never set out to deliberately hurt him or his family. Yet, that is exactly what he does to me. Constantly talking shit about me. Constantly making me out to be a terrible person and a terrible mother. Spreading rumors that he hears about me without a single thought to question the validity. And then getting pissed at ME for rumors being spread about me. Really? How does that even make sense? I understand he isn’t all there in the head. And I hope for his sake (and everyone elses), that he is medicated. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to treat people the way that he treats me. It is downright embarrassing. Especially since I defended him for so many years. No matter what he did to me, he was ALWAYS a good dad. But what really defines a “good dad” anyhow? This is what gets me thinking…. 

Yes. He feeds her. He clothes her. He provides her with what she needs. He keeps her safe. But tell me how sabotaging ones relationship with their other parent makes you a GOOD parent? That isn’t right. Constantly talking down about the other parent and berating them to your child is completely unnecessary. PERIOD. Trying to make yourself out to be the hero is nothing but emotionally damaging in the end. Making my own daughter hate me using the same manipulations used to control ME as a teenager and loading on the emotional baggage is NOT conducive to raising a happy, healthy, independent young woman. I despise the child that he is attempting to create. I want my daughter back. The fun loving free spirited child that *I* was proud of is still in there somewhere. Underneath this broken down and troubled surface. Somewhere in her life at her dad’s, there is someone hurting her. Maybe its not him. Maybe. But someone is making her feel unworthy and a burden. Which carries over to here. Someone is telling her that she is fat. Someone is telling her that she isn’t good enough. Someone is breaking her down and I want to hurt them for it. She continually denies it, yet she makes comments about her being unhealthy and being a fatty. And look at those rolls. Gross. Are ya kidding me?! 

This whole thing started tonight when I picked her up. I was supposed to get her back a little early today so that she could see out of town family for grandma’s 85^th birthday party. It was decided that I would get her back mid-afternoon and her dad would call me when they were done at the apple orchard.  Her dad blew me off all day. Then when I finally texted him asking if they were done with their plans, he says yes and says he call me when he gets home. I asked if instead, I could meet him somewhere sooner since the family had to head to the airport shortly. He ignored me for an hour and informed me that he was home. By that time, it was too late. The family was heading to the airport and there was nothing I could do about it. I talked with the remaining family awhile longer, cleaned up the party with them, and left. The party was over before I even texted him in the first place. I proceeded to pick Ky up and at 7:30 at night, she expected to still go to the birthday party. She was completely pissed at ME that it was over. Did not care for one second that it was her DAD’S fault that she missed it. That escalated into her being pissed at me for everything. She went on about hating the “week” because I never do anything fun. We never go outside and run around and play. I just sit on the couch on my computer. I lost it. Knowing full well that she discussed this all with her dad, I laid it all out there. AGAIN. Like I do every fucking Sunday night. I’m PREGNANT. I’m not only pregnant, but also high risk. I’m not ALLOWED to go run around outside. I’m not allowed to STAND for too long. I’m not allowed to do ANYTHING too strenuous. As for the computer? I’m WORKING. I’m trying to earn money so that SHE can have food. SHE can have clothes. SHE can have toys. Because I’m NOT a gold digger that is buttraping her dad for child support. I EARN my money. I work HARD every single day to provide her with little luxuries that she takes for granted. I’m SO tired of being the bad guy because I have to work for a living. Because I have to make dinner. Because I have to clean the kitchen or do the laundry. Because I don’t have time or energy to go sit outside and watch THEM run around. Now that I think about it, maybe I SHOULD become a gold digging baby mama. Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard. I could just sit back and collect money from HIM. Eh, unfortunately, I have too much respect for myself to do such a thing. 

Regardless of how I’m portrayed to everyone, I’m not that person. I work SO hard. I bust my ass to provide for my children. To teach them right from wrong. To teach them respect and responsibility. When my kids and I get home at night, its HOMEWORK. Its dinner. Its showers. Its cleaning up rooms. Its not fun time because you need to EARN fun time. And yes, I’m going to sit on the couch and attempt not going into labor early. I’m going to work and get those extra hours so that my daughter can have gogurts in her lunches. So I can buy my children fresh fruits and vegetables. So I can make REAL dinners instead of ramen every night. I’m going to work those extra hours to try to get some extra money to buy the brand of clothes that all the other kids are wearing, despite the fact that they cost three times as much.  I’m going to make them clean their rooms so that they don’t have the terrible habits that I have. They are not going to spend their hours playing video games or eating pure sugar.  I hate that all these things make me a bad parent in her eyes. I hate that her dad makes me out to be such a terrible person. I hate that she can’t see the normalcy that is there for everyone else because its not HER normal. If he wasn’t in the picture, she wouldn’t leave every weekend. She wouldn’t go and live in this “other world” for two days. She wouldn’t have such a distorted sense of reality. She wouldn’t have to be retrained every Sunday. I wouldn’t have to deal with having a CHILD for an ex. This would be her family 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I gave him the option of walking away or being a part of his child’s life, I wish he would have walked away. I could have done this better on my own. 

See... the thing about MN winters is....

I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM. I hate the cold, I hate the snow, I hate the idiot drivers, I hate that I can't wear dresses and skirts every day, I hate it all. Sure... It looks pretty sometimes. But then I remember that I have to drive in that shit.

The last month of "winter" has been just killer. I have loved every second. Skirts, dresses, hoodies, LOVE LOVE LOVE. Then Mother Nature slapped our shit silly and brought us back to reality. Single digit temps, wind chills, and snow. That BITCH. Here is where the problem lies. I GET BORED. I start to feel trapped and suffocated. Some call it seasonal depression, some say I need more vitamin D, some say I need to STFU because I was born and raised here and its always been this way. Well, whatever. You're all right to a certain extent. I know this. So I go tanning here and there, take vitamin D supplements, try to see past the slippery roads and cold temps. But in all reality... All I REALLY wanna do is go out, make really bad decisions, and pretend I'm a careless young adult. Which CLEARLY... I am not. Nor have I really ever legitimately had the opportunity to be. I did it anyway, yeah. But look where that got me. In a shit ton of trouble and had me defending myself to the people I love most. Hence the semi-sober stint. But again, where's the fun in that. I have yet to find the copacetic balance that keeps me happy inside... but I'm working on it. Starting with this Friday. Celebrate my bday like I never have. Been over 21 for several years now and have never gone OUT. Always end up at OC where I stay all night. Not this year bitches. I'm goin all in. I turn 27 on Wed. I am having a REALLY hard time with this. It's all in my head and I know that because my mom had one majorly rough birthday in her late twenties and its been in the back of my mind ever since. Thing is, I'm in the same place that she was. Latter part of my twenties, but already settled down, kids, responsibilities, etc. And have been since I was a teenager. Now don't get me wrong... I wouldn't trade my kids or my husband for ANYTHING. Period. But there still is that little piece of me that still hasn't grown up. I keep it in a little box deep inside my soul. Very rarely has it made an appearance and very few have seen it. In my mind... this little piece is the essence of my entire being. Its essentially the REAL ME. It's characteristics are what keep me "young" and vibrant. Happy and giggly. Silly and funny. But this piece can be destructive. Though it feels extremely liberating to let it out once in awhile, it has some consequences that I'm not prepared to face. So this time of year, when that little box starts rattling and shaking, I depend on certain things to keep me grounded. And by certain things, I mean certain people that have seen this piece and no how to handle it and let me just be stupid immature little me. The people that have had my back and supported me unbiasedly and unconditionally. That I have intentionally kept separate from my everyday life so that I can be that stupid girl and won't be judged or discriminated against. Where I am not Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Co-worker, etc. I'm just Panda. Stupid silly whiny childish giggly dorky panda. To the fullest. Being around these people brings me back to reality peacefully. Not be means of bad decisions, or by reaching through the end of a bottle. Just by letting me be me.

The kicker this year though... my favorite of these people is off the RADAR. :/

So here I sit. Forcibly. Trying to keep my shit together. Fighting and struggling to keep the lock on that box. Wishing that I had a time machine to go back to when I was 14. Just for a little while, here and there, when I feel like being a kid again. Feel like doing stupid shit. Feel what its like to not have a care in the world again. But always able to come back to the family and friends that love me now.

Your art sucks bro

Ok... so the first of my many rants for today begins with the subject of respect. Respect the people you care about and more importantly, respect what the people you care about respects. Make sense? Example: I respect my sisters. I respect that my sister Kaeti listens to VERY different music than me. But because I respect HER, I also respect HER likes, HER tastes, etc. Now lets get to the root of this post. Obviously, loosely basing on respect, I have to explain where this is all going. It has recently been brought to my attention that some friends/family members of mine have been going to another tattoo shop to get work done. That's cool. That's fine... to each their own. I make it a point to never be the one that pushes a shop on someone. I never put down other people's shops. I never knock anyone else's work or design. Just because it doesn't appeal to ME, doesn't mean it isn't EXACTLY what they wanted out of a tattoo. Everyone's taste is different. I love MY shop because at Fluid, you are a part of a family. You are more than just a paying customer. You don't walk in there and pick something off of a wall to get tattooed on you. They are a completely custom shop. I love that. The guys are welcoming and friendly, they give you quality work. If someone asks me where I go, I tell them. If someone is looking for an artist or a shop, I refer them. If someone is into tattoos but isn't loyal to one artist or shop, I tell them to check out Fluid. Get it? Good. Ok... so where in the fuck does someone get off knocking MY shop. Telling people bullshit about MY shop. Apparently also going on tattoo sites and ripping on MY shop. Just because you got ONE tattoo there, that you later regret, and NOT because of the work involved or the outcome of the tattoo, but because the idea itself was stupid, immature, and impulsive. That is YOUR bad. Telling people that they shouldn't go there because YOU made a mistake is completely inappropriate. Clearly you don't know how the tattoo industry works because... that's right... You are FUCKING 18 years old. It is an art form. It is someone's livelihood. Unfortunately for you, the work that comes out of my shop is STELLAR. Award winning and amazing. The art speaks for itself. Maybe not your 18th birthday tattoo.... but who's fault is that. You are the one that has to ok the art before its tattooed on you. Just sayin. I don't have to worry about your negative remarks hindering the business that comes our way. Word travels. Both positive and negative, but good always prevails over bad. With this amount of talent and ability, I don't have to worry about that. Along those same lines, I would like to say that as an employee of a tattoo shop, I DO have a right to be critical of other people's work to a certain extent. I have seen many tattoos come in the shop with poor line work, imbalanced shading, inadequate color, etc. I have been around the industry long enough to know what is considered good tattoo work not just a good design and awesome artistic ability. Which brings us back to the respect factor... I may have a personal opinion about your shop because of a past experience with an artist that had nothing to do with tattooing.... but that doesn't give me the right to shit talk. So I don't. I have every right to have my own opinion about something. But that doesn't allow me to force my opinion on others. That is childish and irresponsible. Confused on how this all ties together? Let me break it down for you. Back to RESPECT. You are recruiting people that have been tattooed by my shop to go to yours based on lies and intimidation. That is disrespectful. You are completely gung-ho about getting clients for YOUR new shop which is awesome. Its good. Rep your shop. Rep your artist. As I do the same for mine. But don't knock someone else's art and someone else's choices and degrade them so that they follow you. You know what they call that nowadays? Bullying. You know what I call bullying? Bullshit. Grow the fuck up and have some fucking respect. You keep going to that shop which I will not name. You keep coating your body with tattoos to make you feel better about yourself. You just go ahead and keep putting other people down and see how far it gets you in life. Not far sweetheart. Not far. I can promise that. Oh, and not to call out your boys or anything... But there's a name for people like you at our shop... Shop whore. The ones that obsessively come in and think that they are part of the crew, have a major boner for one or more of the artists, and keep getting shit done just to be part of it all. Trust me, we have many many laughs when people like you come in, get ink or random shit pierced, and FINALLY LEAVE. Its hilarious. So you keep on going in there. Feeling like a rockstar, getting shit done, talking shit, and acting all superior.

But by the way... your art sucks bro.

So so so freakin busy....

So... haven't written in a REALLY long time. Though I have had a super tough time lately, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write. I hate that I don't have time to breathe, but at the same time, I'm loving the commissions from working 12 hour days. As a matter of fact, I really should be WORKING right now, but I am sure that this is quite necessary at this point.

Alright... so recap of the last few weeks:

I have been kind of in the shitter for a few weeks. Completely down and out. No signs of light peeking in from any direction. The hole has been nearly unbearable. Which made me question all of the work I have put in as far as therapy and medications go. I did a little research on the medication that I am on and came to find out the that meds I am on actually don't treat my depression at all. They are simply mood stabilizers for my type II bipolar. Good right? Ok... so I address this issue with my doc and she decides that basically, my bipolar and my depression are battling for control and I am just kinda stuck in the middle. Super awesome. So she puts me on Lexapro. Well, day one was awesome. Couldn't keep anything down and spent the afternoon praying to the porcelain gods. Cool. Ok... so maybe it was just a bit of a shock to my body... lets try this again shall we? Day two... Throws me into a manic state. Super hyper, bouncing off the walls, can't sit still, talking a mile a minute. So not cool. Never felt that way before... So I frantically call the doc. Totally nonchalant about the whole thing, she tells me not to take that anymore and she will just up the dosage of my Lamictil. Which still by the way, does not treat depression in any way shape or form. So yes, my mood swings are mostly under control.... but as for the rest of my issues... still roaring strong. I have tried desperately to consciously realize the self destructive nature of my emotional instability and the unintended affect that it has on my friends and family. But I must say... its one of the hardest things I think I have ever dealt with. Although I am happy to have some answers as to why I feel/act the way that I do, I am still not fully engaged and behind the treatment plan that is set for me. I really don't think it is what I need to get better. Not only that, therapy doesn't really help anything. The suggestions and goals that the shrink has for me are good, and appreciated.. for face value and nothing more. How am I supposed to actively enforce these suggestions and achieve these goals if I don't have any desire to follow through? I almost instantly revert back to the same reactions, same thought processes, and same anger. I guess I am just at a loss. The meds help one aspect, but not the other. Which makes me stuck in the middle wondering: what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why do I suck so much? When will this get better? When will I start to be myself again? When will I find pleasure and appreciation in the things that I once loved? I am sick of being completely uninterested in the things that used to bring me such joy. I am in such a passive state at the moment. Nothing seems to matter and I feel like a burden on everyone. I feel although everyone in my life is completely undeserving of this lethargic, pathetic, woe is me Panda... I can't seem to change it or even justify it. Its almost like I am physically in a deep hole. And instead of frantically trying to claw my way out like I normally would, I am just standing at the bottom going: meh. Whatevs. If they want me, they pull me out. And when no one does, I become irrationally angry with myself because I deserve to rot down there after being the burden of all burdens. A sense of worthlessness that should never be felt by anyone. Yet its ok that I feel that way. Oh what a hot mess I am. At least I can acknowledge that part. I want so badly to be better but there apparently is no easy button for these types of things. Damn you Staples... you need to branch out to psychiatric practices. That would be SUPER awesome. Just sayin. Ya know... part of being bipolar is you have super high highs and super low lows. The meds are supposed to keep that balanced and keep you cruising along at an appropriate altitude. This makes me question where my scale is even at here. Are my lows just THAT frickin' low? Are my highs really not that high? So... does this mean that my median level is just blah? I wish I could just constantly be in a state of happiness. A super high high would be great right now. Just keep me there. Set the cruise control and let me fly. Back to loving life and everyone in it. Loving myself. Is that possible? Man, they need to figure how to effectively treat this shit before I completely lose my damn mind. Oh, and here's my Panda PSA for the day: Drugs are bad. Mmmkay? This is the reason for all of this by the way. I completely EFFED my mind and my serotonin and dopamine levels by excessive use of MDMA and whatever narcotics it was cut with during my teen years (pre-Kylie). Eff you ecstasy. Eff you.

So here are my tentative goals for the near future. Along with finding myself and an appropriate level of consciousness, I need to find a way to balance the hurt and anguish that I feel inside, with the need for acceptance and love. I typically avoid this in fear of rejection and disconcerting consequences. By putting on my mask, despite the fact that most can see through it anyway, I feel some sense of normalcy and albeit false, an awkward sense of pride. Like, "don't worry folks, I GOT this..." which I clearly don't. But who needs to know? Well, the answer to that is EVERYBODY. The first step to finding a healthy road to "recovery" is the acceptance of my issues and the support of those around me. In order for someone to completely support another, they need to be fully aware. How can they be fully aware if I consistently attempt to mask the situation and the emotional damage I am experiencing?

Ugh... I guess it could be worse... I could be hearing voices and seeing purple elephants in the corner...

The curse of Eden Prairie

Ok... so its not the happiest of posts... but its been weighing heavily on my mind lately. For those that grew up in Ep, you are fully aware of this curse. It first began to really affect me in high school... but it began long before that when I was very very very young. The first that I can remember off the top of my head was Grant. Horribly tragic story. There was Carissa, and Matt, and Jason, and many more after high school. Jay being the most recent that hit close to home. There have been several in my sisters grades as well. The curse of Ep has been something so prevalent in our lives as young people from Ep. We all were connected in some way to one of the lost. Aside from losing those close to us, the worst part has to be the fact that even in our mid twenties, most of us are so accustomed to funerals and loss that it seems almost normal. As horrible of a thought as that is, you know you are agreeing with me. Losing a loved one is never easy and doesn't ever get any easier... but it IS something that we are all used to. It is absolutely absurd that young people from Eden Prairie have this somewhat irrational question in the back of their minds: who's next? How many more will we lose? It is a secret fear that we all have. If you have been lucky enough to not be somehow involved with a circle that has lost someone, then maybe that thought has never crossed your mind. There are some of us that have unfortunately been close to many that have passed. Don't get me wrong, I treasure every moment that I personally was able to spend with these dear friends that left us entirely too early. I wouldn't change knowing them for anything. They brought an element of light to my life that no one else could ever replicate or even attempt to. What bothers me the most about these lost friends is that they were the nicest of the nice. The sweetest human beings. The most outgoing and personable. They were wonderful people and didn't deserve a single bad word to be said about them, let alone lose their lives. It pains me to think that this will continue through adulthood as well. Not only do we lose family due to old age, illness, or tragedy, but we also have to process the loss of people so dear to our hearts that we feel shouldn't have been taken from us. It really makes you think. Everyone says that you need to live for today because no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Unfortunately, that's all people do... SAY IT. We need to DO it. Those that you love and appreciate, tell them. Don't let a second of your precious life be wasted on hatred or regret. Its not worth it. If you look at a few of my previous blogs... I can personally vouch for the relief and freedom that comes with letting go of petty bullshit. Move on. Live for those that belong close to you, but more so, live for yourself. Strive to reach happiness. We all have our ups and downs. We all have our own issues and stressful situations. We all have things that we worry about daily. Its human nature. But with that, take in the good. Take in the pleasantries that life gives you. I guess, I just want to say that I treasure those in my life and I pray that I don't lose anymore friends or family anytime soon. I do apologize if I missed anyone that we have lost as a community. But really, it just goes to show that we (as a community, and venn diagram-like circles of friends) have lost entirely too many people in our day. Nobody, especially people as young as us, should ever have to think of the loss of a friend or family member as "another one." When someone falls ill or is involved in an accident, I have to force myself to have faith in their strength and will to live. I can't think about the worst possible outcome. Its too much for me to handle. I wish with everything I have that I could somehow bestow health, happiness, and LIFE to those that I care about. Since I have no magical powers to do so, I am forced to settle with saying I love you. Repeatedly. Despite the fact that I can't actually GIVE the things listed above, I'm going to continue to wish them. Everyday I am thankful for the people in my life. You were put in my path for a reason. Whatever your beliefs may be, I am grateful. Eternally. Don't ever forget that. I love you all. Sweet dreams and goodnight. May the sun rise to greet you in the morning. And wake you again from a peaceful slumber.

In honor of those we've lost~
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there... I did not die...

As much as I say it....

Its crazy, but I have realized tonight that as much as I say FU to all the haters and shit talkers I have around me, and don't give a shit about people that aren't 100%, I still miss a lot of other people that have either removed themselves or chosen to remain in the shadows. Without calling them out one by one, I just need to vent about a few select people that were/are in my life that I truly miss. So, to those that know me well, it will be easy to decipher who is who, but for others, eh, well, just deal with it. :)

First and foremost, I would like to just make note that the one person that is always there, even if you can't see him, is in fact ALWAYS THERE. If that makes sense at all. Being my best friend since I was 15. Through thick and thin, despite the bullshit that was my past relationship, he is and always will be there. No one will ever know me better and no one will ever even remotely compare to him. We may go long periods without seeing one another, or even talking, but it never fails... Whenever one of us is having a rough time or a bad day, or anything like that... There is a feeling in both of us that we need to contact one another. There is a bond there that can never be broken and I am thankful every day that he came into my life way back when. The life lessons that I have learned from him. The heartache I feel when he keeps it real and sets me straight... mainly because I know damn well that he is right. THAT my friends, is TRUE friendship. People may think its impossible to have such a deep and emotional connection to someone without any sort of feelings developing or any sort of physical relationship, but that is exactly what makes us special. Never once has there ever been those types of feelings by either party. We are a one in a million kinda thing. Its REAL. Brutally honest, painfully real. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you man! Ok... moving on.

There are few other people that have been a part of my life for about 11-12 years. They were brought into my life because of a relationship and they never really left until recently. Well, I would say... more like the last couple of years maybe. It was a running joke that in the breakup of me and my ex, I got custody of the "friends." I was so grateful that we were all adult enough to remain friends and stay true. Over the last few years, it has become apparent that those that I once considered "my boys" are no different than anyone else. They have bought into the lies and rumors and distanced themselves from me and my family and that (as much as I HATE to admit it) hurts me. The most painful part is that my daughter still gets to see them and hang out with them and still talks about them all the time. While being the most painful part, its also the part that I appreciate the most because they have been a part of her life since I was pregnant with her. So, even though I am jealous of her time with them on the weekends with her dad, it makes me happy. I hope some day they can see through the bullshit web of lies that people have created about me (especially because they all fully know the issue with pathological lying that my ex deals with). I miss them so much. I miss going for rides, fight nights, boating, all of it. I miss just texting to say what up and how's life. I miss the dogs. I miss the bond that we all once shared. **side note... Its also very hard to deal with losing a male friend because of a new relationship on his part. Again, people (mainly females) find it impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and that creates a barrier between friends regardless of the length of friendship. Then again, I also now question whether these friendships were legitimate from the beginning. That stems obviously from my trust issues and insecurities, but nevertheless, its still present in my mind. Ugh, painful to think about. On to the next....

There are many times that people become friends with people as children or teenagers and then lose contact only to find each other again later in life. I have a LOT of these types of relationships. Some male, some female, but there are a few that just really irk me. Very few people I consider to be connected to my soul. But everyone has that person or people that speak to their soul right from the beginning. Some sort of unspoken connection or bond that is impenetrable. Until time slips away and somehow ten years later, you find yourself wondering how they are and what they are doing. I was fortunate enough to reconnect with one of these friends in the last few years and although it created a wide variety of issues and sparked uncontrolled rumors and problems, I am so very thankful to have been able to go back. This person was what I considered to be my 'time machine.' Brought me back to a time in my life where there were no responsibilities, no problems, no nothing. Just the free spirited Panda that I used to be. We would talk for hours about life, family, work, society, everything under the sun. But, as fast as he resurfaced, he disappeared. I know of a great deal of personal angst this person is suffering from due to family issues and relationship issues. It hurts to know that he has to deal with these things "alone" but there is not much a person can do when the other person removes themselves from radar. As for the few others that have had this affect on me, well, facebook keeps me well informed. They are doing well as far as I can see and it warms my heart to know that they are exactly the types of wonderful people I always knew they were. Great wives, great moms, etc.  I wish I could be involved in their lives, but that is just not in the cards.

There are also the few people that have no intentionally by any means removed me from their lives, but removed themselves from where we grew up. The one that takes the cake is my friendship that has dwindled to nothing more than facebook "likes" and a random comment here and there. I want to kick myself in the ass for not picking up the phone and calling her. Or hopping a plane and going to see her. I miss her so much and its been so long since she moved away, that it is starting to lose that comforting feeling of normalcy when she returns for visits. At one point, nothing changed when she returned or I went to see her and everything was just as it was when she left. Picked up right where we left off. Now, the more that I think about it, the more I am scared to death that it will be awkward next time I see her. I absolutely despise that feeling. Its heartbreaking after all the shit we have been through together. I miss her terribly and I hope if nothing else, that she finds true happiness where she is and that this distance between us is nothing more than miles.

On to Wifey. I have absolutely NO excuse for not MAKING time to go see or hang out with my Wifey. Especially now that we don't live THAT far from one another. I take our friendship for granted in the fact that I assume she will always be there. I think it stems from the fact that we never really had the same group of friends outside of work and it makes it hard to plan things. NOT AN EXCUSE, I know... but just stating a fact. I know that she knows I love her dearly and that I haven't intentionally withdrawn. We just do this sometimes. :P Love you Wise One! Love, Young Grasshoppa. hehe

Hmmm one more set of peeps and I will wrap this up. To the boys that came into my life again when I began my relationship with my hubby.... I MISS YOU GUYS!!! In the beginning, it was a fun carefree relationship and we all hung out and did things. Now we are all grow'd up and doing our own things, but seriously. CALL US. Just because we are the old married couple and have kids doesn't mean we don't want to spend time with you guys. Come over, have dinner. Play with Satan. I will make every effort to initiate the phone call for the invite, but know that no matter what, you are ALWAYS welcome. Find some time and let me know when we can all get together. Even if its in shifts because I know you guys have some CRAZY schedules. 

There are so many people that come in and out of our lives. Its part of life, I know that, but sometimes I just wanna hug the shit out of the people that I miss. And most of all, I hope they know that I have been and will always be RIGHT HERE. Despite the distance, the issues, the drama, the rumors, the psycho fiancees, etc... I am right here and will always be here to love and support them. To hell and back, I will fight for my friends that hold a special place in my heart. I miss you all so very much and I wish things could just be the ways that they were, but I know that with each day that passes, we are growing as people and bettering ourselves with each breath. The one benefit of the almighty crackbook is that they all know how to get a hold of me. I love them from the bottom of my heart and hope that they find happiness. Well, now that I have been rambling for an hour, I think its time to attempt that whole sleep thing. Night! (PS: forgive me for any grammatical errors involving misplaced words, using the wrong there/their/they're(s) or to/two/too(s), or random punctuation issues. I'm freakin tired since I didn't sleep last night kthxbai!)