Sunday, January 15, 2012

See... the thing about MN winters is....

I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM. I hate the cold, I hate the snow, I hate the idiot drivers, I hate that I can't wear dresses and skirts every day, I hate it all. Sure... It looks pretty sometimes. But then I remember that I have to drive in that shit.

The last month of "winter" has been just killer. I have loved every second. Skirts, dresses, hoodies, LOVE LOVE LOVE. Then Mother Nature slapped our shit silly and brought us back to reality. Single digit temps, wind chills, and snow. That BITCH. Here is where the problem lies. I GET BORED. I start to feel trapped and suffocated. Some call it seasonal depression, some say I need more vitamin D, some say I need to STFU because I was born and raised here and its always been this way. Well, whatever. You're all right to a certain extent. I know this. So I go tanning here and there, take vitamin D supplements, try to see past the slippery roads and cold temps. But in all reality... All I REALLY wanna do is go out, make really bad decisions, and pretend I'm a careless young adult. Which CLEARLY... I am not. Nor have I really ever legitimately had the opportunity to be. I did it anyway, yeah. But look where that got me. In a shit ton of trouble and had me defending myself to the people I love most. Hence the semi-sober stint. But again, where's the fun in that. I have yet to find the copacetic balance that keeps me happy inside... but I'm working on it. Starting with this Friday. Celebrate my bday like I never have. Been over 21 for several years now and have never gone OUT. Always end up at OC where I stay all night. Not this year bitches. I'm goin all in. I turn 27 on Wed. I am having a REALLY hard time with this. It's all in my head and I know that because my mom had one majorly rough birthday in her late twenties and its been in the back of my mind ever since. Thing is, I'm in the same place that she was. Latter part of my twenties, but already settled down, kids, responsibilities, etc. And have been since I was a teenager. Now don't get me wrong... I wouldn't trade my kids or my husband for ANYTHING. Period. But there still is that little piece of me that still hasn't grown up. I keep it in a little box deep inside my soul. Very rarely has it made an appearance and very few have seen it. In my mind... this little piece is the essence of my entire being. Its essentially the REAL ME. It's characteristics are what keep me "young" and vibrant. Happy and giggly. Silly and funny. But this piece can be destructive. Though it feels extremely liberating to let it out once in awhile, it has some consequences that I'm not prepared to face. So this time of year, when that little box starts rattling and shaking, I depend on certain things to keep me grounded. And by certain things, I mean certain people that have seen this piece and no how to handle it and let me just be stupid immature little me. The people that have had my back and supported me unbiasedly and unconditionally. That I have intentionally kept separate from my everyday life so that I can be that stupid girl and won't be judged or discriminated against. Where I am not Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Co-worker, etc. I'm just Panda. Stupid silly whiny childish giggly dorky panda. To the fullest. Being around these people brings me back to reality peacefully. Not be means of bad decisions, or by reaching through the end of a bottle. Just by letting me be me.

The kicker this year though... my favorite of these people is off the RADAR. :/

So here I sit. Forcibly. Trying to keep my shit together. Fighting and struggling to keep the lock on that box. Wishing that I had a time machine to go back to when I was 14. Just for a little while, here and there, when I feel like being a kid again. Feel like doing stupid shit. Feel what its like to not have a care in the world again. But always able to come back to the family and friends that love me now.

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